Response to a Comment “Or would you leave to protect the children?”

“or you would leave and protect those children?” I received this comment sometime back from someone in the United Kingdom. I have taken this long to answer this question because I wanted to make sure I could answer it so the writer would understand why women can’t and don’t leave.

 In our local paper a few weeks ago there was a story about a woman who was finally killed by her abusive husband. The daughter who told the story to the paper told a story that is told by just about every abusive wife I have ever known. I used the same logic.

      Women can’t leave! Just like Jelena Dragic she left several times and she was always found. The last time she even filed for divorce. She was attending school and working two full time jobs. He didn’t want that it meant she was becoming independant. They got into an argument in their driveway and he put a bullet in her brain.

      Leaving is not always an option. An abusive man will find her no matter where she is and make her life even worse. More times than not he will kill her and most times even the children. He will stalk her no matter if she is in a safe house. He will con her family and friends to tell him where she is – His favorite line is always, ” But I only want to talk to her.” He is believed because he is so convincing- He will leave messages with everyone she knows, he may even threaten people she knows. He will follow her to work, call her work, follow the children to school, call the school, wait on his children and try to get information out of them. They have been beaten down as well. They are scared and he uses that to his advantange. He will also tell them he just wants to talk to his wife their mother because he loves her so much. He is a professional at being abusive because that is all he thinks about from the time he gets up until he goes to bed.   

 This is something that  no one understands unless they have been there. By the time it gets to that point the wife is totally allienated from family and friends – she has no where to turn. The cops can’t get there fast enough even with a TRO – she will be killed.

       The husband or boyfriend knows he has lost control of her life and that  it is his last stand. It takes great strength to leave and most women are beat down and have no strength to leave. Again this is something that no one understands unles they have been there.

        Abuse is a progression over time- it is mental and emotional and physical. It destroys the mind, the heart and the soul. It  leaves nothing but an empty shell that the abuser uses to their advantage, it is all about control.

       So back to the comment, leaving is not an option and the chidren are not always protected most times they are killed as well.    I was lucky- I finally forced enough strength into my shell to leave but it cost me – I was beaten so bad I now have permanent damage to my back, neck and shoulder. I was almost killed. I had broken ribs, broken fingers, black eyes, and while they healed there are things that will never heal. My children witnessed that beating.

          Would I do it again, yes I would. Could it have cost me my life- yes it could.

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